Modesty

Emails received before the workshop stressed the importance of modesty over and over again: no tank tops, no sleeveless shirts, tights, shorts, no form fitting outfits, no sunbathing etc. Do not bring attention to yourself! We also had to take a wow to abide by these rules. We were to abstain from sexual conduct, bodily entertainment as well as bodily decorations. Those of you who know me a little, know that I like jewelry- the flashy, big, impossible not to notice kind. But I read the instructions and I took a wow, ANNNNNND I grew up in a military family so I can follow rules to the T.

I arrived at the retreat with nothing but long sleeve shirts, loose sweatpants and one large skirt to wear over my pants with no make-up or jewelry whatsoever. I paid no attention to colors of the clothes I brought, so I routinely ended up with gray sweats, pink socks, reddish orange loose skirt, brown long sleeve shirt, green sweater and blue shawl: OK I looked like a gypsy or a mental patient dragging cans behind me, and I was the only one who looked as such. Everybody else had really nice, 90$ a pop yoga apparel, Patagonia shirts, matching velvet sweat suits, and sexy formfitting sleeveless tops with racer back bra showing through. Variety of cool shirts were worn everyday: One said Obama/Biden, one had the Hope poster on it, many wore t-shirts that said things like “Run for Sustainable Communities. 5K race,” “Global Justice,” “Support local economy” etc. Though we weren’t speaking we were definitely advertising our liberal point of view. Since we weren’t allowed to read, I appreciated the choice of shirts with words, which gave me something to read on a daily basis.

I was determined not to give in to my ego. Who cares what I looked like? But, as someone coming from a military family, only I following the rules was not enough. The fact that others weren’t was bothersome to me. Yeah yeah, I know, I am not supposed to be paying attention to others. But they are in my dorm, sleeping next to me, eating across from me, meditating in front of me. I have to be blind in order not to notice. So I did and I was irritated at people blatantly breaking rules while I was being such a good girl. When I wasn’t irritated, I thought I was one of the few who got it, who wasn’t into this earthly, outwardly appearance. I was deeper, all about the soul and the mind, unlike these bitches. Clearly, I was one of the best students in the retreat who actually got it. Ok, so that wasn’t a good ego-eradicating thought but hey I was a new student so of course in due time I would reach perfection. In the meantime, my failure not to notice and not to criticize/judge others was a sign of my imperfection, my humanness. This is why I was here. All was good.

I may be about to offend few more of my friends (by the end of the blog I may have none at this rate) but I think American women have no idea what modesty means. You see, Asian women, Muslim women, women from Pakistan, India, Turkey etc, understand this idea of modesty very well. Young American women are so invested in how they look in their clothes and are so defined by it that they can’t separate/compartmentalize . To them, not wearing a bikini or showing cleavage at the retreat meant they were modest. But in fact, it was anything but. So called yoga apparel most women sported was incredibly form fitting and made out of material which was meant to feel like second skin. So even with yards of fabric hanging down on their legs to allow for movement, the flimsy fabric would wrap around their butt in such a fashion that every muscle movement was visible. Fabric wrapped around their hips so closely that you would see movement of each butt cheek separately and very clearly.

Also, in America, women hate anything that sits on their actual waist line. Everyone--except mom-jeans wearing women from Idaho or Montana-- wears low rise stuff. But wait a minute, low rise is simply not low enough, so one must turn out the waist of yoga pants, sweats or any flexible fabric to make sure that it sits comfortably across their hips, right above the butt crack. Now, be aware that you are sitting on the ground in lotus position to meditate which means that people bend in front of you, inches away from your face to adjust their sitting arrangements, during which time their already low-sitting pants moved further down and then sit crossed legged which means their bottom clothing has now stretched further south and you are completely seeing their butts since their tops are never loose or long enough to cover their lower abdomen region anyways. Since I was able to see everyone’s lower backs I noticed that all the young women had tattoos across that area. Some women also continued to wear jewelry which I promptly noticed as against the rules. Of course, if I was actually not paying attention and keeping my eyes closed even before everybody else settled in to meditate I wouldn’t notice or be bothered by any of this. Alas, I was paying attention and noticing…

Though the mornings were cold and misty, afternoons were hot and dry. 100 people in the meditation hall made it even warmer. During lectures at night, people were allowed to sit more comfortably. Ladies in yoga pants with yards of fabric would pull up their pant legs to their crotch fully exhibiting their legs as if wearing very short shorts. They already were wearing really tight, almost sleeveless tops that showed quite a bit of skin. But you have to understand, they were very warm and there was no AC in the meditation hall. This they continued to do night after night, sitting towards the teachers, basically displaying their flesh to these poor men who would be wearing long sleeved cotton shirts and pants, with a cloth covering their crotch area at all times. Ladies never seemed to notice the stark contrast of their behavior versus teachers’. They would also lounge back, almost lying down in this position, during which time the female manager would come and whisper to them to collect themselves.

You see, Asian women from Japan, China, Taiwan always wore shirts and pants at least a size bigger than their body. Nothing was v neck or low cut or short sleeved or strapless. Their hair was always neatly tucked in a pony tail. Indian women, Pakistani women would wear beautiful, colorful fabrics, long skirts down to their ankles, flowing fabrics that wouldn’t show their shapes and they were wrapped in pretty shawls while in the meditation hall. They looked very feminine, yet very modest. Young American women on the other hand would run into the meditation hall after the teachers showed up, long, wet hair swinging from one side to the other, soaking their tight, boat-necked shirts displaying their shoulders. This they considered to be modest.

Sunbathing was strictly forbidden. What is sunbathing anyways? Nobody was out in their bathing suit lying on the lawn, no! People were lying on the lawn with their pants pulled up to their crotch, their tops pulled up to expose their bellies. That is not sunbathing! Gosh, I can be so rigid sometimes!

Of course there were the earthly women who walked everywhere barefoot. We were not allowed to walk into the meditation hall or the dining hall or bathrooms with our outside shoes yet these earth mamas would be dragging the outside in routinely. They of course did not shave either. If you looked at their legs only, you could swear you were looking at a dude’s legs. All three of these women were in their early 20s. I wondered how much time I was losing and they were saving through shaving practices. These women were modest alright. They did not care about societal pressures that I succumbed to. They were determined to stay as natural as possible. So imagine my shock when I walked into the bathroom one night and found the hairiest of them all in front of the mirror, tweezing the hairs off of moles on her pretty face. I guess everybody has their limits.

Much to my surprise there were a lot of young women at the retreat, I mean people in their early 20s. I was expecting women in their late 30s and up. When I was 19 years old, spirituality was the last thing on my list, that is to say, if it ever made it to the list. So I was pleasantly surprised and in awe of these young women for being there instead of partying by the pool with the boys. Kudos to them for starting early, thinking about a peaceful, harmonious life filled with wisdom. Two of the 3 women who left the retreat were very young however, which showed how unready they were for such an experience at such a young age. I think what comes up to deal with requires a certain level of maturity which is hard to reach at age 20.