Silence and my meditation

If you are still reading, you must be thinking that I talked about everything but my actual experience with the meditation. You are right. It is one of those cliché things that one cannot describe but one must experience for him/herself. I have many questions about Vipassana. I barely graduated from kindergarten of this technique so there is much to be learned. It is intense but makes sense in terms of the application to oneself, on an individual level. I have many questions as to how this looks when you apply it to your relations, when there are other people involved. Those will probably fall into place as time goes by with consistent practice.

What I do know is that I was ready for such an experience. I learned something very useful to apply to my life. Technique requires very consistent and disciplined practice. So I will struggle with it like everyone else. My conversations with the returning students made it clear that very few people meditate 1 hr in the morning and 1 hr at night every day. But people do what they can, when they can and they keep coming back to it.

Before checking in I was nervous about the food, sleep and silence. They were not an issue at all. Silence, in fact, was wonderful. You didn’t have to please others, focus on others, and worry about being unfriendly or being the popular girl in the dorm. You just kept your head down and focused on your experience. I had no problems being quiet (thanks to all of you who suggested I could NEVER do this!) Not reading, writing etc was hard at times as the meditation and quiet mind would become exhausting. But you get used to it. Your reality completely shifts. Sleep was attractive the first few days. Any break we had I would nap. But halfway through I couldn’t anymore, I didn’t need it. I would lay in I bed trying to meditate with eyes open- ok, partly writing this report in my head but regardless…

Almost all of you know about how cold I get on a routine basis (since you tease me about it incessantly), particularly in my hands and feet. You would be surprised to hear that during my meditation, my hands and feet would get so hot that I was bare feet and in short sleeves at 4:30 in the morning when everybody else was bundled up in multiple blankets. I could not feel my toes or fingers separately, it felt like my hands and feet were huge concrete blocks, weighing a thousand tons and set on fire (and no, it wasn’t pleasant!)

Some of you know about my car accident back in November which left my back in pretty regular pain. My back for the first 7.5 days was in such pain that I was about to burst into tears or kill someone while screaming profanities at the teacher to shut the fuck up and stop chanting (sorry Goenka, I didn’t mean to yell at you). I did neither out loud, luckily. But here is the kicker: my back pain vanished on day 8, gone! So I had some pretty powerful experiences, though I did not go there with an expectation as such. It was a glimpse of what could be achieved with consistent practice. I learned to be still, completely still and to ignore my pain for hours at an end. That is no small achievement if you ask me.

All in all, I am intrigued by Vipassana. Half the women were saying that they would never be back. I was already thinking that I would be back to serve a 10 day course, working in the kitchen, doing selfless service for sure (like this guy). I think everyone should try it once in their lifetime. It is worth it… Particularly for those of us (like 95% of my friends) who live in their heads since they are academics, intellectuals, or rational thinkers. All this pondering, wondering, wandering and such are useless in Vipassana. All my conceptual questions went unanswered by assistant teachers with the same response: "I can't tell you what that would be like for you. You must experience it for yourself." It gets pretty frustrating if you are used to researching issues and reading statistics. This is not a heaven for thinkers. Quite the opposite. Yet very refreshing if you can give in to it. But I won't say more. You must try it for yourself, and no! You cannot read about Buddha or the technique, you MUST DO IT to truly understand it...

Buddha has some pretty amazing insights. I am not a total convert yet as I am still way too connected to earthly delights and pleasures but I am willing to consider…

I will end by repeating what our teacher Goenka says at the end of every session:

May peace be with you. May all living beings be happy. May you be blessed with peace and happiness and may you grow in Dhamma.